It's been a few months but still I can't seem to get passed this. The recent nightmares have shown me this much. Recently it seems to have gotten worse with the sleep walking. I haven't writen about this an any other blogs so I guess I should explain to you the reader what has happened. A very good friend of mine took his own life on November 30th 2008 at 2pm. When I had first learned about it I was on my way home from Hanging of the Greens church service. I barely made it home and I had to stop twice. I cried so hard that my inside hurt from my lungs taking in to much air and shaking as I sobbed. It was like that for a few weeks. I would randomly just start crying and I'm not the type of person that cries a lot. It is now January 13th 2009 and I am still having nightmares and will wake up crying. This man was my childhood friend, my first love. We were together for six years and we were our first everything. We were even engaged for a while before everything turned to crap. But before that we had been through a lot together. For time sake I'm keeping this short. I haven't been sleep walking since I was around ten years old and all of a sudden it has started again. I think when I'm dreaming I look for him. My fiance tried to wake me today when he found out I was doing it. I didn't even know I was doing it. I don't expect I'll be over this for a while and if I were I'd there would be something wrong with me. I just wish it wouldn't still hurt as much. People tell me not to, but I blame myself for his death. It doesn't matter what people tell me, I'm going to feel how I feel and the sooner they know that the better. They are not going to convince me otherwise so I wish they would just stop. Don't get me wrong, I'm not this emo person who thinks the world is against me or anything. Its just I know it bothers others to see me this way and being unable to do anything about it but they feel as if they should. To those of you close to me. It is just enough that you are here and offer a shoulder every once in a while and thank you for being there.